Deb’s Blog
Deb’s Blog
2009
I really believe that selfishness kills a person’s feelings of love. Could that be why so many people feel like they don’t love their spouse anymore? They may in fact still love them but they just don’t have the “feelings of love” like they did in the beginning.
Selfishness is not just revealed in how we act toward each other but also in our expectations of each other. We need to be unselfish in aspects of our marriage such as money, jobs, cooking, cleaning, exercise, weight, diet, vacations, child care, intimacy, and family planning. There’s probably many more things we could add to this list.
One time Mike got some extra money and he paid off a sizable bill I owed. He didn’t even know me when I incurred this debt. He could have bought a new computer with the money but he didn’t.
In 8 years of marriage, I don’t remember Mike ever complaining that I didn’t have the house clean enough. Instead he talks about how hard I work and how much I am doing. I try to cook meals that Mike will like but I don’t ever remember him complaining if I didn’t have a meal cooked for him. Instead of complaining, he just cooks something for himself.
I think I had pretty much given up on getting my professional engineer’s license since I had failed the test 4 times. But as I was thinking of what more I could do to make Mike happy, I thought, “I should get my license so we can have our own engineering business because Mike really likes engineering.” So that’s what I did and God helped me to pass it the 5th time. And of course, this made Mike very happy.
Mike takes care of me, worries about me, and spends lots of time with me. We are together a lot. When did Eve get in trouble in the garden? It was when she was apart from Adam. Eve was tricked but Adam knowingly ate the forbidden fruit. If he would have been by her side he could have warned her not to take it. We are not together all the time, Mike and I also spend time alone with God or work on our websites and other projects.
I really believe Mike thinks about what he is going to say before he says it. He has never told me I’m fat or overweight or that I need to lose weight (even though I do and I’m trying to).
Most people know if they are fat or if the house needs to be cleaned. They don’t need someone to tell them. Telling them will usually just create bad feelings and not change anything. What people need is encouragement. If one spouse sees the other making even a little effort or progress in an area, that is the opportunity for them to express their gratitude and encourage the other person.
If someone feels like they are doing something right and they receive encouragement, they will usually try even harder in that area. But if the response is negative the spouse will probably feel like doing even less and maybe give up in that area altogether.
In a way, a marriage can be compared to a bank account. When we first get married we start out with a huge “Love Amount” in our Bank of Marriage. Afterwards all our loving acts are like deposits and all our unloving acts are like debits.
When couples fight or criticize or complain, the “Love Amount” goes lower and lower. When couples are kind, considerate and unselfish the “Love Amount” goes higher and higher. With sin causing so much selfishness, is it any wonder that so many couples “run out of love” and get divorced?
That’s why we need God to “take the selfishness out of us.” We need to “beg” Him to do it. We need to ask Him to show us “how” we can be less selfish. It might be helpful to even make a list of all the selfish things we do or have done.
Then we need to “beg” God to help us stop doing these things. We need to “beg” God to help us become generous. We might even make a list of potential generous acts we could do.
If we are generous, how can we be selfish at the same time?
More Marriage Secrets
5/13/09
When couples fight or criticize or complain, the “Love Amount” goes lower and lower... is it any wonder that so many couples “run out of love” and get divorced?